Places of the Heart

The following are letters, e-mail, notes, or cards from families whom Adoption Consultants Inc. has brought together over the last few years.

A little boy, big brown eyes and thin blond hair, a shy grin, a gleam in his eye. That's how I first saw you . A little baby boy, big blue eyes open wide, not much hair. That's how I first
saw you. A quiet little boy in an orphanage, baby in a hospital. So far apart but yet so close. That's how I saw you. A husband and wife wanting a child. That's how God saw us. A little boy
a baby, a husband and wife, four people needing each other. That's how God saw us.
A husband and wife wanting, hoping, praying, waiting for a child to welcome into their home and hearts. That's what God saw. The time came when God said to the husband and wife: "Get your papers ready, it's almost time to go, for your blessing is waiting in Russia for you."
Rushing around getting ready, for now blessing, then God said: "Didn't you
say you'd be ecstatic with two? Get another room ready for an older
blessing is joining you!" Blessing one, so little and fragile, became a baby boy coming home to Winnie the Pooh. Blessing two, so young and full of hope, became a little boy coming home to
Sesame Street and a little brother. We went off to Russia with high hopes and dreams. That's how God saw us. Now God and the world see us as: Daddy, Mommy Benjamin and Nicholas

Having both bio and adopted children I am amazed at how often people ask if and how the experiences are different. I know what they really are trying to ask is if the love and the bond are different. But reflecting on this, from my own perspective, here is how I would explain the differences and the similarities in the way our children come to us.

With bio kids: You're pregnant. You look like hell. You can't remember what your feet look like. Your ankles are the size of telephone polls. Your close friends lie and tell you that you look radiant. You don't.

With adoption: You look like hell. When you were pregnant you knew where your baby was. You knew she was safe, and warm and fed. This time your child is out there somewhere. And you can't sleep as a result. Instead of sleeping, you pray that she stays safe until you get there. No one tells you, you look radiant. You don't.

What's the same: The LOVE. It is identical, even if it forms in a different way. The amount of love, the strength of it, the depth of it, all the measures of it are identical.

With bio kids: You experience the miracle of birth. And you discover that the miracle is really this: that you can actually survive pain like that and live to tell about it. You vow to shake the hand of anyone you meet who has actually chosen to experience this miracle more than once. A friend asked me once for a suggestion about an appropriate Mother's Day gift for the woman who had borne his four children. I suggested the state of Nebraska.

With adoption: You experience the miracle of adoption. You discover that it really is possible to survive endless months of waiting, changes in government regulations, days on end without news, putting all your trust in unseen, unknown matchmakers; putting all your trust in God.

What's the same: The BOND. They are both your children in every way possible. The bond is identical.

With bio kids: Annoying people want to touch your stomach. Semi-strangers scare you with stories about their deliveries, colic, sleep disorders, SIDS, ear infections, and endless crying.

With adoption: Annoying people continually ask, Have you heard anything yet? (Yes, as a matter of fact I have but I decided to keep it secret! DUH! When I got my referral, I didn't have to use the phone to call people to tell them the news, they could hear my shouts of joy across county lines!) Semi-strangers scare you with adoption horror stories that their cousin's neighbor's brother heard on some TV show two years ago.

What's the same: The PRIDE. You can hardly believe this perfect child is yours. You secretly think you have won the lotto since your baby is so obviously beautiful, brilliant and sweet while everyone else has such ordinary children.

With bio kids: Your friends share your joy and indulge you by "oohing" and "ahhing" over your first ultrasound photo that clearly shows that your future baby is a blob.

With adoption: Your friends share your joy and indulge you by "oohing" and "ahhing" over your faxed referral picture that clearly shows that your future baby is a blob.

What's the same: The HOPEFULNESS you feel as a result of this new being. New life has a way of putting the rest of the world into perspective. How can good things not happen in a world that contains this miraculous child?

With bio kids: You have never endured sleep deprivation like this. You begin to believe that your baby is, and shall forever be, nocturnal. You marvel at how it is possible to function on 7 minutes of sleep a night.

With adoption: You have never endured sleep deprivation like this. You didn't really understand what jet-lag felt like. You do now. You are afraid that if you ever actually are able to sleep again at a normal time, you will sink into a coma.

What's the same: The sense of COMPLETENESS. This child has filled an empty place in your heart. No matter how they came to you, you marvel that God, in his wisdom, has somehow brought you the one child who can make you whole.

With bio kids: You look at this child, made up from your gene pool, and search for one small glimmer of yourself. You can't find any. With my bio child the only similarity I have ever found is this one: we each sneeze in sequences of three. That's it. You're secretly relieved that your child didn't inherit Uncle Guido's funny nose. Or your temper.

With adoption: You look at this child, and see only them. And then you realize, through the miracle of the Eternal matchmaker, that somehow you have found your own child after all. When I got my first child's referral picture her face was so hauntingly familiar. I went through our photo drawer until I found it - a photo of my older daughter at the same age with the identical look on her face. It was amazing. And she and I share a great love for shoes. She is the one who has my thighs. My second adopted child shares my moxie. Some might even say we are both headstrong and stubborn. My dear friends have had fun pointing out how much we are alike. She is unmistakably my daughter.

What's the same: The JOY. You can hardly believe how full your heart is. You are almost afraid to show how happy your really are.

When I look at this list I'm struck by how all the things that matter are the same!.. Like two different roads that lead to the same destination.

It was May. It was not in God's plan for us to have a biological child. But we wanted to be a mommy and daddy. We had to make a decision. Could we love and nurture a child we did not create? There was no doubt. Adoption was the answer for us.

Through the help of the library, we located an adoption agency we felt we could work with. By August, our past, present and future had been scrutinized and we were officially approved to pursue the adoption of a domestic child. It sounded simple really. All we had to do was put together a profile about us to put in a book that the birthmothers look at. Once we were in "the book" we just had to wait to be picked. So, by September our profile was ready. And we waited. And waited. The enthusiasm we had when we started began to diminish after a year of waiting and hearing nothing. We were ready to look at other options. As well as a new agency.

After much discussion with each other and our families and a lot of praying, we decided to pursue international adoption. Looking a all the different requirements of each, we chose Guatemala.

The next step was getting approval from the INS. We were fingerprinted and required to obtain several other documents to prove we could support the child we were planning to bring home. We personally dropped off everything to the INS. And then we waited. And waited some more. Nothing else could be done until we got their approval. Finally, it came. We were ready to pick a child to adopt.

The next baby due was August 4 and was ours. On Thursday, August 13 I got a call at work. The baby was born August 11 and it's a girl!!! The birthmother wanted us to name her, so we did - Ally Jo. A couple of weeks after she was born, we got a picture of her and she was beautiful. When she was four weeks old, we traveled to Guatemala to see her. One of the hardest things we have ever had to do was leave her there and come back home. But, we did get to take lots of pictures.

Now again we had to wait. But at least now we knew exactly what was happening and that our agency and Guatemalan lawyer were both working hard to get Ally Jo home to us. Our next crucial date was the birthmother embassy appointment that was scheduled for the second week of October. Not much could be done before that. We had almost made it to that date when the agency called. The Guatemalan embassy had completely changed how they processed adoptions. The birthmother interview was cancelled. Instead, a DNA test had to be performed on the birthmother and Ally Jo. Finally, we were down to the final countdown,. The DNA test was complete and the only thing we needed was Ally's passport and it was in the process of being completed. After all this time, nothing stop us now, right? Wrong. It was at this point that Hurricane Mitch hit Central America and sat off the coast for several days. There were days that no communication could come out of Guatemala and we were left in the dark. Everyday we rushed home to watch the news to see where Mitch was and prayed for our baby.

At last, Hurricane Mitch was gone, everything else was set and we could go pick up Ally Jo. On Friday the 13th of November we brought Ally Jo home. God has answered our prayers because she is definitely a miracle.

This article was printed in a local church paper "The Spire". It was re-printed with permission by the Author.

Elaine,

I just wanted to let you know how much my husband and I loved working with Debra. She was terrific!! You know that when you go into this process you are a little unsure of the person that will be coming in to check your home out. (The White Glove) She was very easy going and we enjoyed the time we spent with her. I was very glad that I was directed to work with your agency.

Jennifer

Thank you for doing such a great job. Your many calls and reassurance was greatly appreciated. You know the impact you've had on our lives. Feel free to keep in touch. We will send you pictures too. Thank you seems like such a small thing to say for what has happened.

Couldn't have done it without you! Thank you so much for helping with the adoption and making it happen! We will always remember how you touched our lives!

I know I have said this in the past but I want you to know how very special you are! You really brought happiness and hope to my family! If my path had not crossed yours last year I would still be pretty depressed and childless. You helped bring a dream come true to my family! You really need to take some credit. I know you are doing what is right but, you have to know that with your direction and knowledge and especially with your experience it tops you above the rest of the people that are out there. Elaine you really went out of your way to understand our feelings and emotions! I feel really blessed to have known you and to know that I will know you for a long time coming! Please don't ever stop being who you are and what you are! You truly are a wonderful person! And THANK YOU for bringing us all together!

This is too great! Our airline reservations are made. We've not scheduled anything so we can be available to see OUR Rose Charlotte. Thanks for being so on top of things.

These 2 photo's were taken in Antigua when Miah was 9 days old. She's a precious little one. Now the waiting is hard but I promise I'll do my best to be patient.

I want to take this opportunity to thank you for all you did for us over the past year. If you recall, you let us know about our son on New Year's Eve last year. That was the best phone call ever! It is hard to believe that a year has passed so quickly. You helped to bring such joy to our lives. Our families are so enamored with our son, he has brightened every life he has touched.

If a picture could say a thousand words! We can't tell you how busy, chaotic and incredibly happy our lives have been this year! Thank you for the wonderful work you do! You both have a gift of putting families together and know how important that is.

I'm not back from Guatemala. Heck, I haven't even left for Guatemala. As I mentioned in my previous e mails, I expected to depart today, Monday (at the latest), to bring Rose Charlotte home. This was based on time estimates for Rose C.'s passport to be ready in Guatemala City. Unfortunately, especially given the Guatemalan holiday last week, the time for passport completion lengthened. We should hear this evening if I am able to travel this week or, if not, probably next Sunday or Monday. You know, they say when you first express an interest in international adoption to be prepared for delays e.g. delays in collecting dossier documents: We didn't have any delays. Delays in referral: Our referral came much more quickly than we expected. Delays in Guatemalan court: our paperwork flew through all Guatemalan departments. As you can see, we have really been living under a golden star (competent golden star). So, a few days of administrative delay shouldn't be any reason for concern. . .

One issue that has been of concern to me, again, that one considering adoption should be counseled on is "attachment", that is, how well the baby attaches to me as her new parent. I read about this issue, I talked (and talked and talked) to various professionals about this issue, I commiserated with others about attachment, I made myself a wreck because of it. However, one thing I hadn't considered is MY attachment to my new daughter.

I did a very self protective thing. I wouldn't allow myself to attach to her. I "ooh-ed" and "ah-ed" over her picture, I became tearful at the thought of her birth mom choosing the name we had picked, I longed for her little fingers grasping mine long after leaving her in Guatemala but, still, I wouldn't allow myself to attach. That is, until she was given our last name. Boom. Bang. She was our daughter. It's official, though, I told myself. No need to worry. She'll be home in a few days and all will be right with the world or, at least, my little corner of it. I can hold her tightly and find a little piece of universe with which we can have our first moments together as mother and daughter. Right. I have a daughter waiting for me in Guatemala. She is, according to the courts, our daughter. She has our last name. However, she is not with me now. Before everyone thinks I'm going off the deep end a la Sylvia Plath, don't worry. I have a practical head on my shoulders. This is no one's fault (although it would be easier to point fingers, wouldn't it?) and, all-in-all, this adoption has been a no-brainer by adoption standards. In a week, week and a half, all of this will blend into one beautiful blur and become a "tell me about when you came to get me" story for our daughter. I have a good, honest adoption agency and a good, honest attorney in Guatemala. I have a great husband and great children at home. Halloween, a big holiday for us, is coming and is keeping me occupied. And occupied in a wonderful way. I am surrounded by joy of kids who clamor for my attention, who want my time and want to kiss and hug me until my arms won't stretch widely enough to encompass them in my "mom circle." I have a husband who is committed to stoically holding down the fort while I am in Guatemala even as far as volunteering to take two, not one, but TWO pumpkin Jell-O molds that have become my traditional Halloween contribution to classroom parties and "demolding" them in the schools first and third grade classroom parties. He has been making all of my travel arrangements so I'll have one less thing to I'll stress out about and he is just as excited about his new daughter as I am albeit much more calm.